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ctom3
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Location: Clear Lake, The Best Part of Houston, TX, USA

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 8:00 pm    Post subject: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

Okay, so I'm a day early. Let's get to rebuilding this place.

A guy is feeling really bad, so he goes to a doctor who xrays, draws blood and pokes him where folks shouldn't be poked, then sent him home to await the results.

Three days later the doctor has him come in for the results. The doctor says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that you only have two days to live."

"Oh, my god doc. What could be worse than that?", said the patient. To which the doctor responded. "Well... I forgot to tell you yesterday."[/left]
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lazyfox_
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 2:19 am    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor
for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my hotdog."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"It hurts to piss out of it."

2002 Mazda MPV ES Sunlight Silver Zoom-Zoom
2009 MAZDA3 s Grand Touring 5-Door Stormy Blue Mica Zoooom-Zoooooom

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Madbrad
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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 6:06 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."


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Hangman
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The man without a plan!!!
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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 7:56 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

A man was having his haircut at the barber when a little boy walks in. The barber said to the man, "This is the dumbest kid in the world, just watch".. The barber than holds out two hands. One with a dollar bill and another with two quarters and asks the kid which one he wanted. The kid proceeds to take the two quarters and leaves. "See, what did I tell ya" said the barber to the man. Later as the man left the baber shop and passed the candy store, he saw the kid and out of curiosity asked "Kid, why did you take two quarters instead of the dollar bill?".. To which the kid replied, "The day I take the dollar bill the game is over!"

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

If you see spelling mistakes in my posts, its because Engrish is not my native language...

Hangman,

2015 Toyota Sienna L - His
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Dave
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PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2009 7:22 am    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole' golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole' golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am!"

The ole' golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

Rich. Dark. Deeply satisfying.

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Madbrad
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PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2009 10:48 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

On the ride home from school, Billy asked his mom how old she is.
"Why, Billy, That's personal. You don't ask a woman her age!"
"how much do you weigh?"
"That's another thing you don't ask a woman!"
"Why did you and daddy get divorced?"
"that's personal, too."
The next day Billy related the fruitless salvo to a playmate, who told him that everything is on her driver's licence. "It's like a report card."
On the ride home that day, Billy asked to see mommy's driver's licence.
"See, mommy, I know your age and weight now!"
"That's my clever boy!"
"And I also know why you and daddy got divorced."
"oh?" said mommy "Why did we get divorced?"



















"You got an F in sex."


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novalight
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PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2009 7:58 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

What has 4 wheels and flies










































a garbage truck

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novalight
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:48 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

not really a joke but I saw it on another BBS


"there is a special place in hell for people who drive 45 on the freeway"

2004 A-spec Touring Edition (look it up)
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novalight
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:34 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

another one:

That's why I can't use bluetooth. When you hook 2.4ghz bluetooth up to a 2.4 ghz computer it just starts talking to itself.

2004 A-spec Touring Edition (look it up)
instagram: Tangofury
Added Suspension: Carbing Tower Bar, TEIN Stechs, Airlift Airbags, Energy Suspension Bushings
Added Exhaust: Cherry BOMB Glasspack, 22" X 3" TIP
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Madbrad
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 3:59 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

Jean Cretien, to his wife:
"Ah 'av to go to that cold town, Strat'more for da meeting."

"Wear da fox hat!" replied his wife.


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Madbrad
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 5:18 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

is this thing on??

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Dave
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 7:04 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

Madbrad wrote:
Jean Cretien, to his wife:
"Ah 'av to go to that cold town, Strat'more for da meeting."

"Wear da fox hat!" replied his wife.


I don't know

canadian humor, eh?

Rich. Dark. Deeply satisfying.

My rides:
'01 MPV LX
'97 Mercury Grand Marquis SOLD
'08 Mazda CX-7 Touring - my first turbo!
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Madbrad
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 8:13 pm    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

no gettee?

Say "wear da fox hat!" with a french accent.
Remember she says it right after he mentions the name of a town she's probably never heard of.


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novalight
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 12:56 am    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

I speak 2 languages English and "bad English" and I still don't get it
2004 A-spec Touring Edition (look it up)
instagram: Tangofury
Added Suspension: Carbing Tower Bar, TEIN Stechs, Airlift Airbags, Energy Suspension Bushings
Added Exhaust: Cherry BOMB Glasspack, 22" X 3" TIP
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Dave
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 7:23 am    Post subject: Re: Friday Joke Thread Reply with quote

Ohhhhh . . . I would have changed "da" to "za" and it sounds more to me like Where ze f---'s that"! Rolling Eyes
Rich. Dark. Deeply satisfying.

My rides:
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'97 Mercury Grand Marquis SOLD
'08 Mazda CX-7 Touring - my first turbo!
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